As I Sit Here Alone


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The living room is chilly, socks on – toes cold, wet shoes by the door, television playing some NBC drama, texts messages coming in, Mac to my left, laptop keeping my legs warm, empty glasses on the coffee table, dishes from dinner in the sink, and dry – now cold – laundry in the dryer waiting to be folded. Finally a night to myself, free from work, free from friends and family, and free from the world around me. As often as I sit here alone, I think I need to be out doing something, meeting someone, and having experiences. However, tonight was a little different.

I began to dwell on all of those things again — how I’m alone. That is a good thing though. It was tonight that I realized it is because I am alone that I have been able to accomplish so much, get where I am at in life. After letting Mac outside in the cold, snowy, miserable weather, letting him in and feeding him, I realized that I could set my mind to anything, accomplish whatever I want to.

Each time I let someone into my life, share some of my weaknesses and my lowest moments it seems to backfire. Feels like perhaps it went to quickly, that I shared too much. Leading me to think that I’m broken. I feel broken because of my weaknesses and lowest moments and how they can’t be handled by those I let into my life. I feel broken because I haven’t been as happy as I need to be with myself as I should be. If I’m broken how can I expect someone to be happy with me, if I’m not happy to be with me?

It is on this night, however, that the thought a new and close friend of mine gave to me really sank in. “In time that missing piece will come and fit right in when it’s time and when you’re ready for it. There may be years of heartache in-between but that will only condition and mold you to where you need to be when it happens. You may have already met that person and they might just surprise you one day. And maybe they haven’t come into your life yet.”

I just have to remember that I have to learn from each new experience. If I can take one thing away from every experience it becomes a positive experience. In a world of negative thoughts, sad news stories, among so many other negative things, I just need to remember that I have to be happy for myself and for nobody else.

It is the little things that are said to me that can have the greatest impact. It isn’t that I was not happy, it was that I lost sight of where I needed to be, where I wanted to go. I am a strong person. I care for people more than I give myself credit for. As my friend said, “You are already a successful and happy person. You already have all the things you need. And in time that missing piece will come and fit right in when it is time and when you are ready for it.”

I surround myself with good people so that way when I’m not myself – not “happy”, they remind me of who I am, where I was going, and what I can be – for myself, for my friends, for my family, and for the missing piece of the puzzle.