I’m Just Jealous

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As I’ve grown older, the holidays have become something else for me. It isn’t about the traditions, the cookies, the one-time-a-year-food, the Christmas lights, cozy fires, or eggnog. It is about the people that you get to spend the holidays with; my friends, my family, and even my co-workers. This past week was a long week for me, emotionally, physically, and at the end of the day I lay down in my bed and realize I’m so lucky to be here, and to have those I’ve let into my life here as well.

Not every person that I let into my life stays, and that is okay. Sometimes they never make it, sometimes it happens quickly, sometimes they are there forever, and sometimes the relationship slowly fades away– and you may never know why – but that is okay. As much as we crave for acceptance, for forgiveness, or for attention, we have to realize that not everyone can give us what we need as an individual. There is nothing wrong with needing attention or wanting something from someone you find special, or those you are closest too for whatever reason.

The thing you have to remember is that while you need or want something from someone, they need or want something from you too, and that may differ from you.

The trick is finding that middle ground where you can both truly be happy. I’ll be honest; this is where I’m no help as I’m not sure how to find the middle ground myself. I can only hope that by putting myself out there, and communicating my wants or needs, that a middle ground can be found.

I’d say in most of my relationship (friend or otherwise) attempts there are certain things that I want that I won’t settle for anything less. I understand we all have priorities, and lead busy lives; that is the nature of the beast. However, I personally don’t think it is too much to ask for someone to think about you and remind you they are there – that you don’t have to remind someone that you need or want attention from them. If someone truly cared for you, you wouldn’t be a second thought, and while you work to figure out that middle ground – you’ll at least be on the list of priorities, even if it isn’t number one.

I had a moment this weekend at party where I realized that it is okay to need or want certain things. That

 

I am not crazy.

I am not broken.

I have a past that makes me who I am.

I may have to ask for certain things.

I need attention.

I want to feel wanted.

 

All of those things are natural to feel or need – so why do we always feel crazy when someone says “you are too needy,” or “I can’t give you what you want?”

We feel that way because in the end we want the attention of those we are willing to give our attention too. When we give that attention and we don’t receive it, there is an imbalance between what you both need which leads you to the feeling of “crazy.”

I want the attention of someone who I’d do anything to give my attention to. If that isn’t possible, it isn’t worth it.

While at my friend’s house this weekend I took a moment where I wondered outside and walked through the neighborhood, alone. It was cold; rather quiet with the exception of some faint noises from the house party I was attending. I was thinking what has lead me to these emotions, and should I accept the words that hurt me, or should I choose too see what I can offer to someone else? Which is sometimes hard to do, especially in the state-of-mind I may or may not have been in.

I did mention it was a house party, correct?

As I leaned up against the trunk of my car, pea coat on, hood from my hoodie over my head to keep my ears warm, drinking an energy drink trying to stay awake from my long weekend, my sweet and dear friend, that each day means more to me, approached me and asked, “What is wrong?” Without giving judgment, she simply just let me cry and vent. She listened; she gave me what I needed.

She hugged me, and I pulled her closer.

We talked for a few moments before the boy she really likes came outside and found us. He was respectful, kept his distance and let the girl – he clearly liked – be there for someone who needed her at that moment. I turned to him and said, “I’m so sorry, I’ll be fine, I’ll let you two be. (Then I laughed a little as I always do).”

What happens next is the sweetest thing I’ve heard someone say in a situation like this.

He looks over at me, glances to my friend Kacey (the girl) and says, “I’m just jealous that you have her attention right now, and I don’t.

In that moment all he needed was the attention from Kacey, and nobody saw anything wrong with that. I’m hopeful one day those words will be said about me. That I won’t be a second thought, or forgotten, or have to do the reminding that I am still here – being me, giving you the attention I think we both deserve from each other.

Whether you just met, have been friends for a long time, or are figuring out what is next, realize we all need or want something from people. It is in our nature, the person you want to let in your life to be there for a long time – will give you what you need, when you need it, and will only ask that you do the same in return.

When you’ve found that – you’ll have found whom you were searching for all along.