We are just a short time into the new year.
Twenty-fifteen is finally here
– the year that Doc and Marty go Back to the Future in – and oddly get a lot of things right.
This year more than ever, I started the year off right. Just a casual night at home, eating one of my favorite meals, my favorite dip, laying on my couch with my dog Mac watching the festivities taking place on “live” television, and enjoying the company of my own walls, things, and warmth under a blanket.
I realized one thing that I needed to do this year – move on.
Move on from what held me back.
Move on from the negativity in my life.
Move on from the people who talk behind my back.
Move on from the friends that don’t make me feel like their friend.
Move on from moments that make me feel ill.
Move on from relationships that bring me down.
Move on from friendships that are only skin deep.
Move on from letting something hold me back when I really wanted it.
For once I felt being alone wasn’t hard. Realizing that friends and such might not truthfully mean what I thought it meant. Life is too short to waste or care about another fake person – always being there was getting pointless. I used to just always let the lies and false sense of hope override me and let me think that what I had was real with that person. I did it all to have that one friend, or a couple to validate me. I feel better respecting myself and dropping those who do not deserve my attention, who deserve no more care than what I always tried to give them. Being used was becoming a trend. Being the nice guy – wasn’t being the right guy. Being the one to voice an opinion became the bitch. I’m not the easiest to get a long with, I get that – I’m no fool. I think I care at a different level than today’s society, I care from my heart – not from social gratification. I’m not perfect, I have fallen pray to social gratification – but no more.
We – my generation – are so obsessed with the idea of continuing to meet new people, that we can’t even focus on the good ones we have in our lives. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had the same idea going through my head. I’m a social guy, I enjoy connecting and meeting new people – but – all too often I get caught up in not taking the true time to get to know someone because I’m off onto the next; trying to fulfill my sick craving of attention. I let something hold me back.
I’m moving on from that idea.
The new year began with a picture from a recent friend (relatively) – a friend I begin to care more and more about each day. The picture brought a lot of emotion to me. These emotions ranged from anger to joy; sorrow to happiness; disappointment to enthusiasm. I had these range of emotions because I was letting something hold me back. The image brought back a lot of thoughts and feelings that I was uncertain about, and I chose to let the negative affect me. I chose to let my brain win over my heart. I took the picture from this friend, and replied with a simple short message. That message was very short and unemotional, but there were so many other words hidden beneath it that I wanted to say – so many real emotions. I hid them.
I just didn’t want to get hurt yet again.
These emotions were being had because I wanted to curb my craving of attention, need, etc. – to get to know this person – but was only cast aside at my attempt. Only until my friend seemed to have the same thought and feelings I did.
Perhaps the picture was that thought.
Here I had thought that perhaps life wasn’t letting people in my life so I could work on bigger and better things, even though it sucks people come and go in your life, I don’t regret the friendships and relationships I have had with other individuals. Lessons have come from it. I have learned to respect myself, and to make others respect me as well by communicating with those I want to give my attention to. However these people who come into your life, are there for a reason. We just have to be patient to find out why. I have to be patient.
I’m not okay with letting another selfish person that I thought cared step into my life, I’m going to choose wisely this time around, take my time – get to know them, have them get to know me – and truthfully move on from what was, to what is.
It is time to move forward, take each relationship I have and make the best of it. Give those who deserve a chance, a chance for me to:
not hold back
to not give up
to show that I care
to not hide behind my feelings
to share my feelings openly
to show I am trying
to show they deserve my attention
and to ultimately build a better friendship – the basis of every connection (friendship, relationship, etc.), is a friend.
Here is to a new year filled with hope, joy, and better relationships.