It’s Not the Idea of Him, It Is Him.

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Connor Harrison utah

First –
Blah, I know you’re sick of reading about my ex. I’m ready for this to be behind me…
Moving on…

I’ve written over a period of time about a lot of negative moments in my life; moments where I’ve been hurt or haven’t felt accepted. These moments were usually caused by the ending of a friendship, relationship, or feelings of being in-adequate in something that I’m doing. We all have our down days, weeks – hell, even months!

I believe in the past as I’ve written about my relationships (vague or explicitly), I’ve always been disappointed that the idea of it working out, didn’t happen. I was always full of lust for someone, for the idea that I was done dating, that I could delete those darn dating apps, and that I had finally “settled down.” I liked the idea of traveling, making memories with them in places you can only imagine. You know, all the glamorous stories you read and watch in movies and on television. At this point, even YouTube. You see all these couples, so happy together; traveling and living their dreams.

Sure, we all know they aren’t perfect because no body is perfect. However, what happens when you feel you’ve found the perfect person for you; imperfections and all?

All these previous instances of dating gone bad always made me ache that I had lost the idea of being with someone. This time, the recent instance has me aching in a whole new way. Today, Sunday, August 7th – as I write this – I came to a realization that the ache I have been feeling is not about the idea of being with someone, it is that someone.

I still don’t know where things are, both with him, with me, with life and I’m honestly working to pick up the pieces as I have mentioned in another post – but with the realization today, I have some peace. Which is actually kind of nice to finally have a little more of.

This weekend was an interesting weekend to say the least, filled with lots of emotional moments for me, and a lot of hope for my future. I know it may seem odd that the idea of him rather than him, himself – is harder to deal with. For me it means that he really did mean so much to me and in feeling that, I know and understand he felt the same way.

While we aren’t together today, tomorrow, or maybe even ever – I know that I could truly care for someone for who they were, rather than the idea of them – AND – vice versa.
That to me, means I’m finally ready to give it my all to him, or to someone new I may meet someday.

I miss you.
I hope you’re well.
I hope the distance between us shortens.
I hope the distance between us has helped.
& I hope you are happy.

My name is Connor Harrison, and this is my life possible.