Message To My Ex

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TO: MY EX
FROM: Connor Harrison
DATE: 9/18/16
SUBJECT: CALL ME CRAZY FOR CARING (YOUTUBE VIDEO)

First, I felt like it was necessary to write you something to really sum up my feelings and get everything out onto paper so that way when I do run into you in person, out in public – I’ve had my peace as you’ve been able to apparently find yours. I know that it has been months since this has gone down, your friend pointed that out recently – and I don’t really care to hear from her, you, or anyone else you’re involved with. I’m sure you feel the same way.

Also, I hope that you realize that I do have an online “brand” where it is important to be authentic and share stories and experiences. You happen to be one of those and the things I share are to further that brand, help others, and discuss real feelings and emotions – as well as help myself through something challenging. It isn’t about being pathetic, it’s about sharing my story to help others. If you and your friends don’t get that – you clearly didn’t ever really know me.

Secondly, wanted to say that I really enjoyed my time with you, from day one I felt a connection with you that I had never felt before and I was truly excited to get to know you. From there we built a great friendship where we were able to be funny, be serious, have fun, be with our friends, and all without drama and the woes of dating that I’ve experienced before.

You were refreshing.

I enjoyed our spontaneous adventures, passion, and our time traveling together. I couldn’t think of a better way to get to know you than going on an adventure away from home. Even though I was driving the rental car, you were there to navigate us through the craziness Californians call a freeway as my getaway driver. We ate amazing food, had a blast in West Hollywood where I hoped you saw that it is okay to be you, and to be authentic. I know for myself, WEHO is where I really saw our community in a different way – good and bad.

My intentions were never for you to think that life was just a giant party, but to show you that while you can still hold true to you what I loved about you, that you could still be 100% you.

Through our breakup, I held on to the idea that we were going to be together because of your lack of response, your asking of space only for the time being – and tried to make sure that you knew I was always there. You said you wanted to be friends, and that no matter what we would have that. Weeks and weeks later, I’m blocked out of your life with the exception of iMessage and a phone call – but even those, you aren’t responding to these days. Message is clear, but I don’t think you’ve gone about any part of our break-up the correct way.

I understand you have been through a lot, I have been through a lot myself. We all have a past, a story, and I just wish you’d realize that you can’t do what you are trying to do alone. I also hope you realize that you aren’t special because of your story either. Your story doesn’t allow you to treat me the way you treated me, and I would have hoped for a more cordial ending, instead of a childish, petty, ending.

I did hold on to the idea of us, may have made me look “pathetic,” as your friend called me, and it may look pathetic that I care to share the story. To me, looking “pathetic” means that I really cared, and tried to make something work – and I couldn’t be more proud of myself for what I have learned and unlocked within myself.

I’m frustrated in even saying what I just wrote because now I’ve realized that even though I cared for you through the silence and mistreatment, that it was all a part of your plan you mentioned at our last in-person conversation at Starbucks. That you had a plan, and that you just needed time. Those words are tricky words to understand and now I feel like I have that understanding.

I was just a part of your plan, make you feel good, build you up, so your family can continue to break you down. You walk away, break my heart, tell me you’re going to marry a woman, and then end up drunk at the bar messaging me how you’re mind is fucked up. From there you talk to me very little – just long enough to get what you needed. After me being there for you through it all you never once cared to check-in on how I was doing. After all of that you decided to go one-step further and pathetically ask for my help.

I thought that because I cared for you that it was the right thing to do, and now I’m left with the feeling of being used by someone who hasn’t shown he has cared for me since June. And now I’m doubting you even ever cared. You’re now in my bubble of trust talking to the same therapist I am because I wanted you to get the help you need. You’re only concerned about yourself, your needs, that you don’t even realize the impact you’ve had on me emotionally. And if that makes me pathetic to you and your friends, I’m okay with it.

Now that you have gotten what you “needed,” you quit replying to me, starting dating someone else from the looks of it, and now you’re sharing your personal brand you created when you were with me with the world (oddly similar to mine). I can see what you do whether you realize it or not, and you haven’t had the God damn balls to just say through it all that it was over, that you didn’t want me, or that it was forever time to move on. Instead you left your responses safe, guarded, and sometimes without anything at all. All a part of your plan to make sure you had people there, but didn’t have to put a damn piece of effort in. You controlled the situation, and I hope that you as the puppeteer found an audience for your show. God bless those who are now your audience.

I try not not talk bad about you or name your name, I cared so much for you to do that. But since realizing that you don’t care for me – I really can never care for you again. I don’t want you, I don’t need you, and I honestly don’t care to build a friendship with you at this moment. Friends don’t do what you did; friends don’t let their friends do the talking for you, and friends should be open and honest.

Karma will get the best of you, and I hope for your new boy toy’s sake, that he realizes you’re not ready for a relationship in the slightest – early enough that he can walk away. You don’t deserve to ruin another persons life – and that is exactly what you are doing – leading someone on, only to quit cold-turkey one day and walk away because you’re lost.

Don’t go thinking that I’m the one in the wrong here, and if you or your friends think that – I think they have some things to work on. Break-ups are messy, feelings are hard – and no one should judge another for the feelings or emotions they are working through. To your friend who called me pathetic for my feelings or emotions, I hope she realizes she has no right to call me that; I hope that you realize this is between you and I, not your friends.

Someone you know well, told me to listen to “LOST BOY” by Troy Sivan and pretend that you were singing it.

It is literally spot on.

I hope you realize you have to fix you before you can be with someone else. As do I.

I’m saddened that I was a fool that was willing to sacrifice so much for someone, and not realize they didn’t give it a glance or a care and that they never truly were willing to be open enough to share their feelings to help me move on too. However, now I have seen a side of me I didn’t think I could see before – and for that, I thank you and wish that you find your path on your road, living your dream, in your life.

I’m glad you’ll no longer affect my life, and that I can make my life possible yet again.

Sincerely,
Connor Harrison